I will admit, when I pulled the little blue anchor shoes out of that box, I was slightly disappointed they weren't the other pair, the girl pair. I felt in my heart for so long that you were a girl, and finding out that you are a boy was quite surprising. It took me a few days to come to terms with it. I had a hard time picturing myself with a little boy, to be honest. I knew I wanted a son, but to actually imagine him in my life, in our lives, was far fetched. Since I saw that positive sign so many weeks ago, I envisioned a little girl, with light brown curly hair and big blue eyes, wearing dresses and bows. I had pictured dressing her up in froo-froo dresses and cute tights and little girly shoes.
But now. Everything is so completely different. Now, I can only imagine you, a sweet, pouty-lipped little boy with curls and baby blues like your daddy. I see you looking oh-so-stylish in skinny jeans and a sweater and baby Toms because Daddy wouldn't have it any other way. When I think about the future, our future, all I see is you, my son.
I'm still amazed that you're actually in there. I wake up most days and have to convince myself that we will be meeting you in a few months, and I can't even fathom how blessed you have made me. I feel your sweet kicks and jabs so often throughout the day. I like to just lay there with my hands pressed up against my ever-growing belly to feel you. Even as I write this, I feel you wiggling around and it just makes me want to cry. And most days I do, because feeling you is the most incredible thing I have ever experienced. Daddy gets to feel you now, too, and he is amazed every single time. Sometimes, the sweet little kicks aren't so sweet when I feel them in my back or my ribs. Sometimes, my back hurts so bad that I could cry. I have to pee every half hour. I'm slowly losing the ability to do simple tasks, like shave my legs and I'm sure I won't be able to see my feet very soon. Everything makes me cry--like everything. Things that don't even really make sense bring tears to my eyes at the drop of a hat. There are days when I feel like I could eat a five-course meal every hour and days when one Cheerio makes me nauseous. Yet, I wouldn't trade this time for anything in the world because I know what the end result is going to be.
I always said I would go to Disneyland before I had kids. Just to experience the magic for myself. Mostly, I wanted to ride the teacups. I wanted to travel across Europe before having kids. See the Eiffel Tower. Ride a double decker bus in London. Eat pasta in Italy. Cliff dive in Greece. I wanted to have a career established so you would never have to be without. I wanted to go on a honeymoon to a tropical paradise and relax in a hammock over the ocean. I wanted to be fit so I would have a healthy pregnancy, not to mention a cute belly when the time came.
There were so many things I had planned to do before having kids. Then again, doesn't everybody have those things? Yet, here I am and haven't done a single one. But here's the kicker: I'm okay with that. No, I haven't traveled to exotic places or lost the weight I needed to or gotten an amazing career started. I haven't gone on all the adventures I wanted to. But you, my little boy, are going to be the most amazing thing I ever do. You are going to take me places I never dreamed of. You are going to teach me so many new, wonderful things. You are going to push my limits and challenge me to no end. And I cannot imagine a better journey to go on.
As a new mommy, I don't know all the tricks. I don't really know anything, actually. I like to tell myself because of my background in childcare that I know what to expect, but that's not true. It's going to be completely different because you are mine. My child. I am not going to do everything right all the time. I probably won't do everything right most of the time. I am going to make a lot of mistakes. I am going to say things I don't mean and get angry when I shouldn't and sometimes wish I wasn't a mom. Stress and sleep deprivation can do crazy things to a person, so I've been told. I'm going to take too many pictures and brag about the cute little thing you did that every single baby does all the time, but because it's you, it's an amazing accomplishment. I'm going to talk and post about you so much people will get tired of hearing about it. I'm probably going to embarrass you, along the line at some point, because I so desperately want to be the cool mom (which I actually am, you just won't get it quite yet).
Just know I am going to be the best mom I can possibly be. I will try my hardest every single day to make you happy and healthy and raise you with the kind of life you deserve. I will do anything for you. Except get you out of gym class--suck it up, Kid.
You have given me the greatest gift I could ever receive. You have made me a mommy. I'm not sure what I did to deserve it--I know I don't deserve you. Just know that I love you, baby boy. Unconditionally.
Also, I hope you don't hate you name. Honestly, it's better than what your dad wanted to name you: Frodo.
It could be worse.
<3
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